We are officially in the Endgame now. Marvel’s big Phase 3 wrap up is here and people have already been posting their reviews on social media. If you are someone who actually cares about the mystery of cinema and wants to enjoy this 21 film build-up, there are some things to keep in mind this weekend. The internet is a wonderful land of information and knowledge. This gift is used to kill, steal and destroy your childlike sense of wonder when it comes to big movie releases.
Here are a few steps to follow that can ensure your Avengers: Endgame experience is untainted:
Ignore Social Media
If you are an avid user of sites like YouTube, Instagram and Reddit, the only way to assure your safety is to go on a full media blackout for a few days. Repeat after me, “I will delete all apps on my phone.” Join me in the saying of the Marvel kid pledge. Instagram feeds will be filled with 10 second reviews of the same people who claimed they’ll never watch another Marvel film after the ending of Infinity War. They’ll be on their stories with memes of their face that say dumb things like “That moment when [insert beloved character here] died.” Reddit users will casually comment on the film’s kill count under a post about NASA’s most recent rocket launch for no apparent reason. YouTubers will place a ridiculously spoil filled clickbait title or thumbnail destroying the very fiber of your being. Just don’t use your phone. Turn it off. Put it in your freezer.
Ignore Your Friends
Someone you know went to a midnight release. They saw it and now they wanna act like they won’t spoil it for you but “lemme just say you are never gonna see the ending coming.” I will now, buddy. Not all friends are jerks that will spoil the movie, but some people don’t realize it. Saying something as small as “more people died than I thought” or “someone important doesn’t make it” already alters your mind state when watching the film. Don’t even tell me if you liked it. Yes, it really is that serious to me.
Ignore Your Family
Don’t answer that phone call from your mom. One minute you think she is checking if you have enough food in your fridge and the next she hits you with a “Everyone on Facebook is saying [insert actor who is just fine but whose character died here] passed away, didn’t he have a movie coming out this week?” If you get a text from your dad, just assume he saw it and is trying to share a common interest with his kid. You wanna make it so the people you love fear for your safety. Get off of the grid.
Ignore Your Text Messages
Go to your settings and turn the message previews off. Last thing you wanna do is open your phone to scan your digital movie tickets and the screen drops down a text from your co-worker being like “Endgame blew my mind, bro!” Chill out, my guy. I know someone who got a spoilery text from a friend who saw it on bootleg. What kind of insane monster watches Avengers: Endgame for the first time on a bootleg?
Ignore All External Sound
Amazon is currently selling 10 packs of ear plugs starting as low as $2.99. They could be on your doorstep tomorrow morning. You are going to want these as you walk through the hallways at school or work. People have seen it. People will talk about it. They just will. You can wear these bad boys all the way to your seat at the theater. People wait after the credits these days. As your walking to your seat bright and early, people are exiting and having their film breakdown discussions. Normally that would be a problem, but not for you and your trusty noise blockers.
My goal is to assist you in any possible way. You technically should not even be reading this. What are you doing here? Avengers: Endgame hit theaters today. Be safe out there. Be cautious of enemies lurking behind every corner, holding verbal katanas and fully prepared to spoil the biggest movie event of your life. Please don’t get caught slipping out here!
What tips do you have for avoiding spoilers? How excited are you for Endgame?